The Seed

Its been a year since i felt rock bottom
until today whence i had a realisation

the seed was always in the mention
when it comes to life's directions

the struggles one are facing,
with which we feel like always battling
are like the efforts of a seed up its way inching
until it bursts forth into ground breaking

even that ground zero, where it felt like squished into nothing
is like the seed going through much much drying and hardening

but all these moves on and are in darkness happening
until the sprouts are brought forth where the eyes are seeing
until then we patiently keep waiting
and alternatively keep stepping
as at the end of the tunnel is the brilliantly bright lighting

and as always we stop fearing and only start smiling
when we are already under the brilliance shining
as of course we having forgotten
that its the faith the needed improving

at rock bottom

there is light everywhere

but in my reality its just so dark

is this what hopelessness does

you feel the love, have faith

in an instant uncertainty steals that moment

faith crumbles into despair

despair just makes you want to lash out

you put your pain out there 

it comes back to you tenfold

its just so painful, a pain as if your heart has a wound 

and a boiling water is just searing through it once more

truth can’t even bring clarity

to a perpective thats so muddy

like you’ve sunk into quicksand

everything is over your head 

you can’t see, you can’t breathe

you’re stuck, you’re just being pulled down

i thought i was at ground zero

but I’m not, I’m below it

negativity on top of negativity

I’m sinking… sinking… and still sinking

need for relationship

loneliness is a great void.... actually
the void where God should be
the basis for design was relationship
this longing to be needed and need

no matter which
... we fill it with
never seems enough
never seems complete

like a puzzle piece that wiggles around a space
never a sense that something clicked into place
as a puzzle piece that fitted
and remained to be seated

the pursuit to fill this void or the pursuit for happiness
will always be a running after ... vanity, vanity... unless
we accept the fact and go back to where it started
where there was the Creator... and then the created

journal ie write something

Today was not good news with bad news day
Rather it was 'blooped' good news with harrassed nerves
Good thing it was topped with a reminder
Our mundane may be an everyday challenge for someone else
And my mess may already be treasures for others
Why do I forget ...even though in pain and no human being bothers
There is a Power who sent forces to get concerned over measly me
On top of every and all kind of...    providence

just a random expression of pain

working
but crying inside

tough...lots of to dos
refocusing every now and then

if only meself can be hardened
so theres no more to tamper

i may just look too serious 
they just dont know
that mood is so off

how about i learn some other language
someone else will understand
posts on twitter or facebook
to audience of unknowns 

who to follow

in a world full of horns
i almost gave up
from all the pain and hits

didnt realize
i was just running around
to evade getting hurt

instead of...
facing it
and with all my might
getting a grab on these

dont you see...
mediocre minds have all the time to spew criticism
while great leaders
in just a few minutes... have these guiding voices
with love and concern
even though you are noone

filter voices that hit your head and heart
not all are voices meant to be seeds in your fertile mind

its been said
you can only be as great as your leader
so take the time to choose who to follow

once you've hit the cap... be aware
its already time to follow someone new

and get stretched...
one more time...
and yet again

my heart in turmoil

am i really that slow... so late in blooming
im still just learning to notice that someone is checking me out and actually know it

this is making me sleepless... the emotional outburts...
of having fun...being ecstatic... when the laws of attraction is at work

it stirred up something else instead...missing someone...our sweet exchanges

i know i should stop this wondering...
if it was him...wanting to wrap his arms around me
instead of me... wishing for his embrace,
how warm it would have been...if only...
if only he wanted me