desperation

i dont know what to do anymore

im seeing myself at the end of my ropes
im back to wanting to slash my wrist
im back to what if rather do this gory thing
do something not so gory
like jump off the cliffs and let water wash me away

darn! it hurts a lot
this feeling of noone wanting me

wishes and wants

sometimes when i learn someone got a new car
got a new xx Million house, got a second car
got married and got a new baby
i dont know how to react
im not happy
coz honestly
i got green with envy

what have i become into?
vicious bitch?
bitter old maid?

i just read a quote on 11th hour
saying when you seem to be at the darkest
just one wait and it will be morning
or one step and you get there

i do try to remember to pause and think
has my life been a failure?
and i do remember
that well at least i have travelled
and enjoyed them a lot
that i have improved and
im not the same person as before

but sometimes i just wonder
when i walk into a room
is my presence felt?
i tried sexy, i tried beautiful
but maybe there is nothing that beats a passionate persona
how to be one then?

To have more than you've got, become more than you are.
what do i want?
i still know what i want
i still get excited when i see a range rover
i still wish for a man to fall in love with me
i still want to travel more

the quest for more means to be more than you are?
i just hope im not running out of time
maybe this is midlife crisis haha

to hell with perspectives!!!
so what! im always delayed anyway
in becoming a lady
in getting boyfriends
in travel

hmm just as a friend asked,
why didnt you die today anyway

maybe im rushing time
when im supposed to make the most out of it
hmmm

perspectives.. energies.. realities..

i am the one who takes you higher... because of you im flying higher... dreams, heaven and getting there... a matter of perspective

i just wrote this days ago on fb status

maybe propelled by watching 'what dreams may come' and then hearing again 'thats my name' by akcent plus realizing the fact that i was in love with someone while someone was in love with me

so whats the difference between realities and what actually happens and tangible? one can feel emotions over the phone, miles and oceans away, as it will not be advised to smile when talking to someone over the phone if emotion was not transmitted too

so if i know that my emotions has been transmitted real to a person, even though with the evolution of email from snail mail to sms from telegraphs and mobile from landline then maybe frustrations, anger, etc are transmitted likewise

if such is the case, then the immaturity of hardwiring a frustration to a person instead of the situation might also be transmitted via this technology driven communication devices

tsk tsk

even my agony and depression repels people even when one thinks this blog is just like paper. paper is tangible, a mobile pc or a handphone is tangible then how come it carries with it negative vibe, energy or emotions

a friend would want me to become cheerful and not moody. sad to say, artists minds are like this, haha, just trying to elevate myself

but anyway, like attracts like from the saying birds of the same feather flock together, i have known ever since i dont know when what kind of friends i attract, and i know for a fact that the friends that stay have the same wavelength as i have if that even is a term that can measure depths of thought

so why do i even forget that these friends are rare, anyway...

i just spent time with 2 of the closest friends i have and realized just now, somehow with them my reality was not existent, was it because with them i was loved and thus being unloved did not matter anymore

how can a positive erase the negative when talking about emotions? so is reality a perspective then??? is emotion a reality???

if the brain controls the emotions why then that merely thinking does not stop an emotional pain but only another emotion can

maybe i will have to have to search for answers to this, scientific or behavioral theories to explain

in the meantime, i thank God i realized that only love can erase the feeling of being unloved

and for the wisdom behind:
Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow. We must fail in order to know. Sometimes our vision is clear only after our eyes are washed away with tears
i just read this tonight and i feel that i have shed the last tear.

this actually pushed me to thinking and to write

life! and the surprises!!!

what to do

im not allowed to wet my face

but i cant keep from crying

maybe im so selfish thats why people dont care about me

maybe im so boring thats why they dont look for me

maybe im a negative energy thats why i repel people

i may get perspectives on how to change

but im finding it difficult to change

i just want someone to talk to

it took me and my friend 2 and half hour to chat. all frustrations out in the open.
going home i feel tired and loneliness/depression seeps in.

when i go home and id still want to find friends to talk to, it was easier before, friends also go home early so i could still spend time with them over dinner. after dinner and returning home, if there are still things left unsaid you continue on phone

now i go home at either near 10pm to 11pm past, like tonight, its already too late to call my friend for things still left unsaid

im finding myself defaulting to chat. but somehow i feel like just spending time till someone to talk to and by that time, i need to sleep already and since the need to talk is still there so i end up going way beyond sleeping time. pathetic

maybe im already lacking in time for myself. im too overwhelmed

maybe it would be better to make this blog my best friend. at least when im done talking then time is up.

also i will have some way to verbalize and then to realize whats happening to me

oh well
still the bottom line is... i just want someone to talk to

thinking a lot to disappear

why am i so hopeless
do i need something, someone
is somewhere an option

i still want to disappear
whats wrong
is it just my perspective
discontentment
too much frustrations

all getting me down
to feel drowning
but it doesnt drown me literally

like all the weight of the world on my neck
but it doesnt break my bones

if only one could just hit the push button
to pause, so i can review
or to even rewind
or even just opt to stop and nothing else

why is stopping, quitting considered a failure
when doing a calculated risk is better than just risking

thus wanting to disappear seems to be a failure too
but isnt doing nothing also like it

definitions definitions
didnt these all come from perspectives

so why does changing a perspective even more difficult
why does emotions have to play a part
maybe if we didnt have hearts it would be easier
a means to an end thinking
all rationale...
and this goes back to why we are humans
unlike animals, where the rule is just survival of the fittest

i am human, humane
loving and hurting

ever wonder why they invented IQ, EQ
isnt this rational thinking
to typecast everyone, into good better best

back again to perspective
who the heck said good is the least
does anyone have the authority to say that
even the least has a purpose
else why even be born
and lets not forget, even the worst has a purpose

in every equilibrium, there is balance
of positive and negative

just imagine a world with no worst people
then heaven wouldnt even be a concept

so i guess being in the down side of the swing
is just the same as being on the up side

thus, noone has the right to even say 'poor thing'
who can tell that his situation is good or bad

but i guess everybody is entitled to smiling
when one deems a situation good
and also entitled to mourning
when one deems a situation bad

all a matter of perspectives...

dear diary, im back

alcohol, nicotine
my best friends

so reliable
they dont walk away from my room

i need to sleep
it makes me sleepy
i want to have different feeling
it provides
maybe next time i will try buying menthol candy
and have it with drink

now im just so tipsy...
if only theres a faster way to disappear
i dont want gross
yucky
hmmm

someone designed the universe's rhythm

as always...
im seeing the light already,
meaning...
im near the end of a really dark tunnel (^_^)

life is always an uphill downhill climb

its an effort to climb up
but when you reach the top, its NICE!

when you are going downhill though
and its wet and slippery and you are falling
its R E A L L Y a struggle
not to mention if your going down a very steep slope
one really is grappling for roots, grass and barks to grab on to

in life, just like climbing, one actually forgets
especially amidst the struggle and grappling
that... at the end of the path
is achievement

in climbing, just like life,
it takes practice to survive
one has to be constantly aware and alert to surroundings
as somewhere along the path
there is always something to hold on to
preventing you from falling down
and much more from breaking some bones (^_^)
ohhh and dont ever go climbing without a buddy

on the other hand
one will never be able to climb
if one is not equipped
with strength, endurance,
................ persistence
maybe this is the key

the best part actually is
the learning after every stupid move
it broadens the horizon
it makes you not look down on others
as one can empathize
been there, done that

life actually then
is not so boring after all (^_^)

so... whats the relation to the title?
well......
life seems to be designed like climbing
yeahh...... there are other paradigms one can attach to life
but the thing is, if its designed
then there is a designer

dear diary

i got a new sales partner
i got a new boss

i just got rejected
i feel so little against a giant

im scared
its not just mix emotions but a jumble

i want to cry
i want to disappear

how to count the blessings
when im so negative

let me start
let me try

i have forgotten
Someone else has a plan for my life
there are friends around me
am i being a friend
maybe i have stopped reaching out
thats why noone misses me

why am i crying
why am i sentimental
blame it on the hormones?

nobody appreciates me?
or i have stopped appreciating
or maybe even dont appreciate myself

really how to get out of this rut

the eyes are the window to the soul

this is going to be about people again, sensitive ones

'you are not happy, you pretend to smile but you are really not smiling'
i quote this from a friend and a very sensitive one.
maybe i should learn to be like him. if i appreciate his perception of me then maybe i could touch other's people's lives too

so how does one stop getting engulfed in one's own personal and career related problems?
especially if the career is taking much of the 24hr day... because one even go to sleep bugged by issues one does not have the energy to tackle anymore

i will yet have to find the answer that fits me, as 'getting things done' and '7 habbits' seems not to work for me these days

hmmm

to live or not to live... not again

the cut wrist image was back last friday. what triggered it is a scolding at work.
now that im writin about it, come to think, i havent gotten that for more than a decade now. hmmm

there are two types of people: one negative and one positive, or so i thought

but right now im just thankful that ive got new people around me that do stuff to make me smile. somehow after those moments pass, it becomes ingrained in your memory. happy thoughts they may be called. somehow reminiscing about happy thoughts makes you smile again. the phrase 'action speaks louder than words' becomes true as epitomed by these people.

hmm i wonder what these kind of people are called. i hope i will get a term for them soon

just a compilation of thoughts

you will only know that someone cares for you enough
when they will not want you gone,

like when they discover you are going to die
then they will appreciate you

real friends you will only discover
when you are in need

being in the negative perspective
really pulls you so so down and low
and lots of crying until your so so so tired
is sometimes the thing that pulls you out of it
(maybe this ive gotta realize or discover why.
and also may just apply to women?)

frustrations, disappointments, anxieties, fears
they make you forget blessings especially small gifts
or small acts of kindness

why is it so difficult to become a tree
when you are still a seedling
by the way, whoever said strive to be the best tree? and fast!?
did somebody? who ever started to lobby on this should have been exonerated
shouldnt every tree just allowed to gracefully grow?

Vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
... all is vanity and striving after the wind.

to live or not to live

i have just been in a patch of life that didnt want to wake up in the mornings

as you have been probably wondering about the title, it was invoked by my musings on 'not to live' or on the other side of the coin, why still live? anyway!

my closest friend commented 'what! you had those scenarios?!'

hmm you probably didnt notice but the above thoughts are not in order, so just rearrange by 1-3-2 for you to actually know the sequence... haha!
well to be detailed about the scenarios, it had scenes on my mind of my wrists bleeding

gory?

anyway, back to my musings... so why didnt i want to wake up anymore? why did life felt like a wall crumbling or a vase shattering right in front of my eyes?
so i realized, because what i did was revolve my life around this future family members

maybe, while i start this next phase of life, i just take the advice of one new friend 'enjoy life in the present'

hmmm makes you wonder about gurus, life coaches, help self writers and you name it, who tells/ expounds/does steps by steps on and about to become a success you should have an end goal in mind

now i think this is probably BS!
(this accronym, i learned from my colleagues but for the purpose of blogging id rather not translate ;p)
BS! because everytime i include a male name in the goal lists, it just darn f l i e s away!!!

it was not just in my head! for it to be forgotten like to do lists on the mind! i wrote it in paper! i wrote in excel! as they instructed, to stamp it or claim it! yet it disappeared! it doesnt want to be in my life plan!!!

so back to why i dont want to believe in the previous statement on success,
well for one, dont you ever notice that somehow life unfolds by itself
and not by every step you meant and planned it to unfold???

so if thats the case, why not bum around and just enjoy the present???

there are already reasons i get to think of while this blog is unfolding

1. aiming for excellence for character growth
2. because nature dictates that for every action there is a consequence, you dont work you dont earn you dont have food and this because of 3
3. because nature stopped providing and we are cursed to toil this earth
4. the extreme notion of bum, is just lie there, do nothing (im being reminded of this tv program i saw featuring a fat lady that has to be sawed out of the house and couch because of a sedentary lifestyle, yuck!)
do nothing? that would be pretty pretty darn boring! huh? and i know i dont like boring. sleep, i like though (^_^) and staring into the horizon
5. what else???


i guess the answer to 'to live? - or - not to live?'

is the or

in a sense if you think about either and or, for example: either boring or exciting
life should be a balance of boring stuff and exciting stuff

balance? dont ask me how to do that!!! (^_^)

im still learning!!!

hihihi...

so, in conclusion, life unfolds with a balance of disappointments and getting there
and the final getting there............ is yet to be seen

to the abtracts of this world

i remember one time hearing a scolding happening, it goes something like this... by now at this age you should know yourself enough that when you are asked to commit to something and you know full well that you cant deliver then say that you cant

ooops! somehow i felt i was being scolded too

i was just talking to a friend and realized that at my age im still trying to live in a world that expects routine and order
but cant

order in stuff
i have (a bit) obsessive compulsive friends, when you look inside their bags, their stuffs are too neat and everything seems to be placed in proper order and everything seems to be new and clean
my being obsessive compulsive is limited to some set of things. like i dont like it anymore when the color of hangers that are side by side are not the same, the coil of the mobile charger when returned to me is not the same as how i coiled it, etc
seems silly, but you wouldnt expect that of me because when you look inside my bag, its a mess, because i have this habit of just dropping things in
so since im trying to emulate my OC friends, there are some mornings i spend lots of time trying to put order to my bag, but the next day when i dont do that im finding myself again rummaging where the wallet is because the last night in the cab i just shoved it in

lets move to...

order in time
i sometimes wish i was not a night person
it would have been good to be like some people who can really sleep at 9pm then wake up at 5pm
or sleep 10pm then wake up at 6am and it takes less than 30min for them to leave the house

for me, there are days i cant sleep, so its either i have slept at 2am or was lucky to doze off at 12midnight
really! since i passed the age of 30, i am finding that i dont want to be rushed to go to work
its like i take 2 hrs every morning, but when i count, bath is just 10-15 min, ironing at 30-45 min, sitting for breakfast only 5min, where did all the other minutes go? i asked this one time to myself so i realized it doesnt take me 1min to decide if im going to have cornflakes for breakfast, it doesnt take me 1 min to decide what to wear (you are probably asking 'what?! you are doing the ironing everyday???') and somehow i take time between putting foundation powder and putting the eyeliner. then it doesnt take me 1min to decide what else i needed to do before i leave home
now the check the email routine has worsened these, though i multitask, somehow when i realize the replication is taking long then only i think better start breakfast or sumthin, then check every now and then
so leaving home in just 30min, just couldnt seem to do it, i feel so harassed
probably i dont want to stress first thing in the morning haha

getting somewhere in time, really still amazes me, maybe its just a perspective, because i am finding myself always on the brink, for example i just got 2min more to go and im still waiting for the elevator, i did allot 45min to travel, what happened? maybe this is what one of my friends is saying, in Singapore what she likes is being able to predict commuting time
maybe somehow i like the excitement and drama of chasing time, i find the singapore commute boring, hahaha

order in scheduling
i dont like routines, at exactly 630 im doing my breakfast, nahh thats not me, either it happened earlier because i woke up earlier or it happened at 7 because i did something else after i woke up
though there is order in the regularity i get hungry, hahaha! as my stomach dictates that i should have food every 3 hrs. except when i sleep

so the question is, how do i still exist, when the world or maybe the the better term is the majority of the population expects for people to become successful, they should be in order, in time, strategic, planned precisely, yadiyadiyahdah whatever terminology that can come up to emanate perfection
plus in the natural order of competition, really, its the disciplined, the almost perfect that naturally gets to win

but looking back, to have achieved discipline means routine
so it all goes back to not everybody is born to be a morning person, not everybody has the innate urge to be orderly
the undisciplined and the disciplined is somehow like the difference between
an abstract painter and a painter who could perfectly replicate anothers painting

so the question i pose, so not everybody was born to be winners???