what to do

im not allowed to wet my face

but i cant keep from crying

maybe im so selfish thats why people dont care about me

maybe im so boring thats why they dont look for me

maybe im a negative energy thats why i repel people

i may get perspectives on how to change

but im finding it difficult to change

i just want someone to talk to

it took me and my friend 2 and half hour to chat. all frustrations out in the open.
going home i feel tired and loneliness/depression seeps in.

when i go home and id still want to find friends to talk to, it was easier before, friends also go home early so i could still spend time with them over dinner. after dinner and returning home, if there are still things left unsaid you continue on phone

now i go home at either near 10pm to 11pm past, like tonight, its already too late to call my friend for things still left unsaid

im finding myself defaulting to chat. but somehow i feel like just spending time till someone to talk to and by that time, i need to sleep already and since the need to talk is still there so i end up going way beyond sleeping time. pathetic

maybe im already lacking in time for myself. im too overwhelmed

maybe it would be better to make this blog my best friend. at least when im done talking then time is up.

also i will have some way to verbalize and then to realize whats happening to me

oh well
still the bottom line is... i just want someone to talk to

thinking a lot to disappear

why am i so hopeless
do i need something, someone
is somewhere an option

i still want to disappear
whats wrong
is it just my perspective
discontentment
too much frustrations

all getting me down
to feel drowning
but it doesnt drown me literally

like all the weight of the world on my neck
but it doesnt break my bones

if only one could just hit the push button
to pause, so i can review
or to even rewind
or even just opt to stop and nothing else

why is stopping, quitting considered a failure
when doing a calculated risk is better than just risking

thus wanting to disappear seems to be a failure too
but isnt doing nothing also like it

definitions definitions
didnt these all come from perspectives

so why does changing a perspective even more difficult
why does emotions have to play a part
maybe if we didnt have hearts it would be easier
a means to an end thinking
all rationale...
and this goes back to why we are humans
unlike animals, where the rule is just survival of the fittest

i am human, humane
loving and hurting

ever wonder why they invented IQ, EQ
isnt this rational thinking
to typecast everyone, into good better best

back again to perspective
who the heck said good is the least
does anyone have the authority to say that
even the least has a purpose
else why even be born
and lets not forget, even the worst has a purpose

in every equilibrium, there is balance
of positive and negative

just imagine a world with no worst people
then heaven wouldnt even be a concept

so i guess being in the down side of the swing
is just the same as being on the up side

thus, noone has the right to even say 'poor thing'
who can tell that his situation is good or bad

but i guess everybody is entitled to smiling
when one deems a situation good
and also entitled to mourning
when one deems a situation bad

all a matter of perspectives...