really i dont want to exist

when i feel this... my heart being wrenched like this
really... i dont want to exist

i downed a glass and a half of rum for dinner
yeahh it made me sleep

830-130 it lasted
sucks! im now awake

im stopping myself from crying
im tired of crying

please please please
make my heart hardened

oh crap!
im crying!

insanity

am i insane?

i just had this imagining
i pierced myself with a needle
just enough to bleed
imagining maybe losing a liter of blood will weaken me

and then just pierce myself another day
maybe after a few attempts ill just knockout like an anemic

im insane!!!
really i just want to shrink
no one would even probably want to huddle with me in this state of negativity
im too negative to repel people
if only i could shrink and shrink and shrink and finally poof like smoke

at least i enjoyed looking at smoke curling up into air
making its artistically, adhoc curls... that caught and fascinated my eye
but has there even a guy who got fascinated by me

i am pathetic
my heart is pathetic
it wants someone to love it
but nobody dares to look at pathetic

they say do unto others what you want done unto you
but no matter how i give my all for the sake of love
no guy ever returned back the way i did
worst, they want nothing of my heart

i just told a friend
theres only 3 years
then im going to be 40
why does it bother me?

ive been single for more than 30years
i dont want another 30 more alone!!!

yeahhh right
downright pathetic
very pathetic
im crying again
and wish im crying out blood instead of tears

the good thing about this blog?
its so pathetic
i cant even be shy to write
and write and write pathetic words
because nobody cares enough
to empathize with someone pathetic

my eyes will be too blotchy tomorrow
i bet a thousand bucks
nobody is even going to notice it
and im daring to bet this time

hmmm im kinda calm now
maybe having a book talk to me
and i talk to a blog helps
still pathetic
but maybe ...
i could probably survive a world where everybody dies
just as long as i cry and cry and cry
somehow i just poutingly get back up again

lets see! if after another hour i will cry again
good heavens!

visualize this!

i wish this heartburn would make my heart burst
tiny pierces starts to errupt and out comes lots and lots of blood
scattered all over like a bomb splash

and zip
im gone
like black out

dot dot dot

can anybody die
of allergies?
im too scared to die of suicide

really its like a disease
these thoughts should have made a psychologists rich by now
i dont know how to get healed of it

yeah i know
prayers should work
meditation they say is good

honestly im too selfish to care about others
when im too tired to even care for myself

so how to get out of this rut then
i do get out
then i come full circle again

and back to where its too low on the scale
the negatives settle again

well at least im not affecting anybody else
and im not pulling down anybody to where i am

really the veins are reddish green
so really tempting to see it oozing
and drain me of blood and life

...