hope

hope is when you need to let go
but hold on anyways

i still wish...

is there hope???

maturity

i feel exasperated when someone acts like one the wiser
but in reality not fully understanding what one is talking about

and they freely broadcast something without any idea that they end up making a fool of themself
hmm another classic case of 'a noisy can is an empty one'

anyway my exasperation got the better of me
and i want to express, so here i am typing away

who in the first place has the right to brag about maturity?!
i admit to remembering though that i had also commited this sin in the past

anyhow, maturity is
1. relative
and 2. not generic

it is relative
because there has never been a gauge to establish maturity level
so now, it is relative to the one trying to assess another person
how can one say one is at level 1 and say that another at level -2 and needs to improve
and the next best question : 'how to improve?'
what are the steps to take to get from level -2 to -1

which leads to, it is not generic
as every individual is unique
one individual may be mature in handling family
but is not mature in workplace responsibilities
or one maybe mature in handling projects and objectives
but is not mature in handling relationships and is always stepping toes

so i keep thinking
...

puff!!! the answer in a smoke

haha!

my thoughts take me back to the time i thought i was mature
and somewhere in the middle of my brain, is a quote

that somehow says :

the immature ones tend to brag they are mature
but the mature one realizes he is still a fool

life... ;)

stuck between a Rock and a crazy place

it is a dagger to the heart
when people fail you
but it is awesome
when amazing grace manifests

unexpected favors
unexpected cares
from people in high places
from unexpected personalities

sometimes you feels so alone
and all the walls are crashing in
then after all the commotion
a quiet comes
why are you in one piece?
was there after all,
a surrounding protection?

i tried to deny
this greater than me force
but my heart is always touched
with this foreboding LOVE
my eyes are always seeing
these TRUTHs prevailing

and now i cant deny...

the best partnership
for every endeavor
is the wisdom from this Friend

the best filler
for the void in the heart
is this Father's hearing ear

the best magic stints in life
is this Lover's miracles

last but not least, the best smile
is from this Spirit's sparkled eyes

but!
wait!
nothing beats getting stuck in between a Rock and a crazy place
;)

weird life

there are very few days when you are excited to wake up
or is it just noticeable when you wake up and you drag your feet

how gory can it be that someone would take care of cockroaches
the tv topic was on food, the japanese guy breeds them
its like his hobby and in return he has food

one of the reactive interviewee mentioned 'peoples first instict is to kill it'
but it just came to me, the old guy thought of taking care of something
even though its not a pet
rather its a pest, that doesnt take too much taking care of
but the thing is
everyday he wakes up and makes it his responsibility to clean the room
and then checks his breed
and the time to prepare it as food?
its not in 10min

really... i have got to start taking care of myself
the attention the guy gives to cockroaches
shouldnt i be doing that to myself first in the first place

and i have to note, my fave quote from a friend's mom
'the reason im working so hard
is that so i can afford
to pay someone else
to do this tiring things for me'

so to myself
dont try to do everything on your own

to life!
life hohhh!!!
(^_^)

really i dont want to exist

when i feel this... my heart being wrenched like this
really... i dont want to exist

i downed a glass and a half of rum for dinner
yeahh it made me sleep

830-130 it lasted
sucks! im now awake

im stopping myself from crying
im tired of crying

please please please
make my heart hardened

oh crap!
im crying!

insanity

am i insane?

i just had this imagining
i pierced myself with a needle
just enough to bleed
imagining maybe losing a liter of blood will weaken me

and then just pierce myself another day
maybe after a few attempts ill just knockout like an anemic

im insane!!!
really i just want to shrink
no one would even probably want to huddle with me in this state of negativity
im too negative to repel people
if only i could shrink and shrink and shrink and finally poof like smoke

at least i enjoyed looking at smoke curling up into air
making its artistically, adhoc curls... that caught and fascinated my eye
but has there even a guy who got fascinated by me

i am pathetic
my heart is pathetic
it wants someone to love it
but nobody dares to look at pathetic

they say do unto others what you want done unto you
but no matter how i give my all for the sake of love
no guy ever returned back the way i did
worst, they want nothing of my heart

i just told a friend
theres only 3 years
then im going to be 40
why does it bother me?

ive been single for more than 30years
i dont want another 30 more alone!!!

yeahhh right
downright pathetic
very pathetic
im crying again
and wish im crying out blood instead of tears

the good thing about this blog?
its so pathetic
i cant even be shy to write
and write and write pathetic words
because nobody cares enough
to empathize with someone pathetic

my eyes will be too blotchy tomorrow
i bet a thousand bucks
nobody is even going to notice it
and im daring to bet this time

hmmm im kinda calm now
maybe having a book talk to me
and i talk to a blog helps
still pathetic
but maybe ...
i could probably survive a world where everybody dies
just as long as i cry and cry and cry
somehow i just poutingly get back up again

lets see! if after another hour i will cry again
good heavens!

visualize this!

i wish this heartburn would make my heart burst
tiny pierces starts to errupt and out comes lots and lots of blood
scattered all over like a bomb splash

and zip
im gone
like black out

dot dot dot

can anybody die
of allergies?
im too scared to die of suicide

really its like a disease
these thoughts should have made a psychologists rich by now
i dont know how to get healed of it

yeah i know
prayers should work
meditation they say is good

honestly im too selfish to care about others
when im too tired to even care for myself

so how to get out of this rut then
i do get out
then i come full circle again

and back to where its too low on the scale
the negatives settle again

well at least im not affecting anybody else
and im not pulling down anybody to where i am

really the veins are reddish green
so really tempting to see it oozing
and drain me of blood and life

...

seclusion

middle age crisis?
depression?
boredom?
lost? losing myself?

what? do i have the cant stay put syndrome?
or do i easily get tired of where i am?
am i an escapist?
why did i wake up but do not want to wake up
i dont want to go to work not because of work
but because of the people at work that gets me to do things
thats so outside the realm of my work definition
what if im the person who cant learn to say No
do i go to another organization that has boundaries on work definition

being flexible shouldnt be too demanding as to let you lose yourself also
i know my personality is that of a melancholic
and im in my gloomy state again
im retrospecting again and secluding myself

and i just got the slap in my face
funny how life works
even google interrupts me
http://www.fisheaters.com/quizm.html
so this somehow snaps me out of my gloomy cave
and now onto reading personalities again
maybe i should take on psychology
yet again i dont like memorizing medical terms

dot dot dot
l...i...f...e
dot dot dot

life ...

stop crying!!!
shit happens!!!
and life goes on by without a care
i may with all effort struggle to wish for what i want to happen
it does not give a damn

live by the second
means id just have to deal with "now"
what is being presented in the moment
is what all is there for me to grab

just the way i look for something missing
that something does not turn up
and i find something else instead
better i just give up
and enjoy the something else instead