insanity

am i insane?

i just had this imagining
i pierced myself with a needle
just enough to bleed
imagining maybe losing a liter of blood will weaken me

and then just pierce myself another day
maybe after a few attempts ill just knockout like an anemic

im insane!!!
really i just want to shrink
no one would even probably want to huddle with me in this state of negativity
im too negative to repel people
if only i could shrink and shrink and shrink and finally poof like smoke

at least i enjoyed looking at smoke curling up into air
making its artistically, adhoc curls... that caught and fascinated my eye
but has there even a guy who got fascinated by me

i am pathetic
my heart is pathetic
it wants someone to love it
but nobody dares to look at pathetic

they say do unto others what you want done unto you
but no matter how i give my all for the sake of love
no guy ever returned back the way i did
worst, they want nothing of my heart

i just told a friend
theres only 3 years
then im going to be 40
why does it bother me?

ive been single for more than 30years
i dont want another 30 more alone!!!

yeahhh right
downright pathetic
very pathetic
im crying again
and wish im crying out blood instead of tears

the good thing about this blog?
its so pathetic
i cant even be shy to write
and write and write pathetic words
because nobody cares enough
to empathize with someone pathetic

my eyes will be too blotchy tomorrow
i bet a thousand bucks
nobody is even going to notice it
and im daring to bet this time

hmmm im kinda calm now
maybe having a book talk to me
and i talk to a blog helps
still pathetic
but maybe ...
i could probably survive a world where everybody dies
just as long as i cry and cry and cry
somehow i just poutingly get back up again

lets see! if after another hour i will cry again
good heavens!